Yesterday I lost my mother. She died unexpectedly but quite peacefully in her sleep.
‘How many parents do you have left?’ Jed asked me.
None, I told him. Not any more. But I have so many aunties and uncles and big cousins and older siblings who sheltered me and showered me with love. I have a father-in-law, a mother-in-law and a mother outlaw, all of whom I love dearly. I even have an almost stepmother (my father’s first wife). We still haven’t met in person but we feel a strong connection.
And my parents didn’t just have Obi and Nkiru and me, and also Nnenna (sister cousin) and also Nwando (baby sister). They had many many people who called them Mum and Dad, all of whom are devastated right now. My mum is the oldest of 22, practically a parent to the youngest ones. I want to offer words of comfort to each and every one of her siblings, but what can I say? What is there to say?
People ask how I am and I tell them I’m ok. I’m not ok. One minute I feel strong, next I feel broken. It’s normal, isn’t it? I just have to surf the emotions as they come. If only I knew how to surf. I would have this grief thing nailed.
When my father died, 11 years ago, it was like I had lost my shelter. Like somebody had torn the roof of the world clean off. Now my mother has gone, it’s like somebody stole the world itself. Like there’s no more ground to walk on, maybe that’s why it feels so surreal. Maybe gravity is the love of all our mothers tethering us to the earth and to each other. Without it, we would be scattered out in space, unable to make sense of anything.
Nothing makes sense. I should be old enough to know better. To have realised that, at 75, my mother wasn’t going to hang around forever. The thing is, you know they’re getting older, but you don’t expect them to actually go. Like what do you mean, you’re moving on? To where, exactly?
And I know how lucky we are. My cousin reminded me that there are kids who lose their mothers at five years old or younger. Very true and my heart breaks for them.
What’s also true is that right now, without my mother, I feel about five years old or younger. Because I really really want my mummy right now and nothing else can make it better.
Nkiru told me yesterday, what’s weird is that with all these people calling and sending messages, we know something big is happening in the family and her first thought is, ‘has anyone told Mum?’ She was our touchstone, the person everybody turned to for advice, the one we need right now to tell us what to do.
So what should we do Mum? I know you’d tell us to take heart and stay strong and comfort each other. You’d say that this is exactly what you’d always prayed for, you never wanted a long, slow, protracted illness, nothing like what Daddy went through. And you got your wish. Yesterday morning you looked like you were sleeping and you had a smile on your face. As another cousin said you were a class act, right until the very end. Truly a class act.
I think of when we were very little, still living at the house we called 17, and you and Dad would throw these parties. And the kids would creep down and peep through the curtain that separated us from the living room, and watch the grown-ups dancing. Just so glamorous.
I imagine you with Daddy now, and maybe you’re dancing together again. Or simply sitting with each other, holding hands. It’s a comforting thought.
Only here, on the other side of the curtain, the loss is unspeakable.
Ndo. May you and your family be granted comfort.
Oh Uju, do you feel that a whole trove of memories has gone too? When my mother and my great-aunt died in the ’80s, I thought, now there’s no one left who knew me as a small child, no one to go to in order to check whether I was remembering something correctly, no one to ask about their parents and other older family members, no one who loved me unconditionally just because I was theirs. I never met your mother, only talked to her briefly on the phone back in the 1960s, but a roommate of hers in Los Angeles was later my roommate also, and she told me a lot about your mother. She seemed to think we were alike in some ways, though I see clearly that your mother was a veritable dynamo, like you, someone who accomplishes so much that other people feel tired just watching! I’m so sorry, Uju. How bereft you must feel.
So sorry for your loss x
Oh Uju I am so sorry for your loss, I cant imagine how you must be feeling. I dread the day I lose my Mum and hope that it wont be for a very long time. When reading your posts I always feel you have a very strong family bond so I know that you will have much support around you but nothing compares to a Mothers loving embrace. Sending you loving thoughts xxxx
Deepest sympathy to you and your family…I can totally relate to this post.I still haven’t got over my loss but as you know you will learn to live with it as I am not sure one can totally get over any loss! I have blogged about my loss a couple of times and it helped me cope.
http://labelleseychelloise.com/2015/02/08/flash-back/
I am so sorry to read this post and yet it’s so beautifully written. I can just imagine this wonderful, strong and amazing woman that is your Mum. She will always be your Mum of course and she will always live in your heart and your memories but I know that doesn’t offer any comfort just now. How incredible to be one of 22 – that’s an amazing family to be part of. Much love to all of you x
Accept my heartfelt condolences
Thanks Sam, much appreciated x
Thanks Emily, her family – our family – is something else and she truly was a remarkable woman. It’s gratifying to say that and know that I’m not just biased, so many people have been impacted by this loss. Thanks for the kind words x
Ah Jini, I’m sorry for your loss too and I will look forward to reading your post. Thanks for your comment and for sharing this too x
Hi Sabina, your right, nothing compares to your mum – I think you feel it most when you become a mother or when you lose your own. Appreciate your sympathies x
Thank you Davinia x
Thank you Karen, my mum was the epitome of a dynamo! I’m nothing on her but grateful that at least I have some of her spirit in me. Still very weird, a little bit of that going through the motions really but what can we do? And you’re right, one of my hopeful projects was to sit properly with my mum and record her on everything because she had so much knowledge about so much. Grateful for the memories that will always stay with me x
Thank you Uche, amen x
I don’t know what to say other than I’m so very sorry for loss.
Oh Uju, I’m crying and hurting so much for you, beautiful words, I am here for you, always, sending all my love. I am so sorry you have lost your beautiful, kind Mum, I really believe those we lose are with us in spirit. You are so right about the mother’s anchor too, and to try and surf those feelings. My heart is breaking for you all xxx
My darling Uju, I am so so sorry, it’s beyond my words. Seeing you on Friday was so great, and you were full of love and energy as always. I can imagine what you are going through right now as you know I lost my dad not long ago. I am here for you, so please let me know if I can help in any way. It’s heartbreaking to lose your parent, but we have to live and be happy again for our kids. No words can take the pain away, but it will get easier with time. Sending you hugs and lots of love xxx
Becoming a Mum yourself makes you truly realise how vital they are to holding a family together. I don’t think it matters what age you are when you lose them, as you’ll always feel like a lost little girl without them. At least you have an entire lifetime of memories to recall, and bring you some comfort. xxx
Udu, so brave of you to write this. I am.firstly so sorry for your loss which I know must feel catastrophic. I almost lost my.mum to breast cancer some years ago but was so fortunate for her survival. I thought a lot about losing her at that time obviously but realised that every day I sae a little more of her in me, it made me stop and notice the qualities that I had either inherently gained or through nurture had instilled in my very being. I knew then that when the day came I could look to myself and my children, every day, and see my mum smiling back at me. I also know now as a mother and granny myself that I will never leave my children, I am with them at all times with distance no obstacle. Take time to heal, take time to cry and take time to remember as I know you will. Then look forward and take every step with your mum at your side. Huge hugs x
Love this ‘I also know now as a mother and granny myself that I will never leave my children, I am with them at all times with distance no obstacle.’ Beautiful Julie. Thank you x
I’m so sorry for you. I’ll be thinking of you and your family.
That’s it Jacqui, exactly. I’m so grateful to be a mum myself and not only have the boys to take me out of this weird parallel space and back to some kind of normality, but to fully understand what being a mother meant to my own mum. I do feel lost, but also know I have to be there for my own family and that helps. A lifetime of memories and more. Thanks lovely for your words x
Thanks beautiful Mirka, sorry to make you cry on the phone but all of it helps, the crying, the talking, the laughing and remembering. It is heartbreaking but we learn to carry on and carry our loved ones with us. Big kisses x
Vicki your comment makes me cry too. I know how much family means to you as well. So thankful for you, my friends, who have also become like family to me too. They are absolutely with us in spirit. With her and my dad, I’m double blessed :-) x
It means a lot that you took the time to say it Pamela, thanks so much x
Uju – there are no words. My heart goes out to you and your family – your mum sounds like she was an amazing, caring, strong and beautiful woman and she has clearly passed on those genes to you. Just know that I am here for you for anything at all. Big hugs and lots of love xx
Oh Uju, I am so very sorry for your loss and for the shock, which must be surreal. Take care of yourself, take it very slow, an hour or a minute at a time. What a beautiful piece of writing this is and isn’t your mother beautiful. Isn’t it funny how at the toughest times we can be our most creative too? That description of the parties and the curtain is perfect. Someone gave me this, from Kahil Gibran, I am sure you know it and it is probably too early to take in or take effect, if so please please put it aside, but it brought me comfort at times: ‘When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight’. You are an amazing woman and an amazing mother and clearly had an incredible mother too. You will find the anchors to stay rooted once more, I can see your wonderful mum, she left you plenty. Always here xx
Nomita thank you, and for your phone call earlier too. You are so kind, I’m honoured that you see those qualities in me because that was my mum to a tee. Lots of love x
Penny thank you so much for the beautiful message, and the quote from Khalil Gibran is perfect although it makes me cry too just because it rings so true. Thank you, much love x
Uju, I don’t know you but I know Obi.
I am not trying to steal any limelight by telling you what I am about to tell you, I hope that in the context of my story and yours being intertwined in a generational timezone, you will find great comfort therein.
My German mother was 4 months pregnant…and 26 years old…when she died in a car crash on Lagos-Ibadan Road. She left us three as company and comfort for each other. Emeka was only 8 months old, Anwuli months away from her 2nd birthday, and I, months away from my 3rd. Our children were never to know the wonderful grandmother we’re told she’d have been.
I have lived a life of borrowing other people’s beautiful mothers, and for that I am so very grateful, there are some unspeakably amazing mothers out there…as I gather yours was too, and I am sorry not to have been able to call her one of mine.
So please Uju, take comfort in all the wonderfulness that your mother has given you and yours for so much of your lives, including her beautiful exit. May she rest in peace.
Jisike, nwannem.
Unoma
Unoma, I’m so so sorry to hear about your mother’s passing when you and your siblings were so very young. What a painful loss. I’m sure you have all done her proud. As you know, they do stay with us in spirit through all our lives. My kids didn’t know their grandpa either, but I’ve tried to keep him alive for them through stories and memories. And of course I see him in them, so many expressions and mannerisms. Thanks for your kind words, and did you know my niece is also Anwuli? Lovely to hear from you x
Gini mere Chinyere Ukpabi Asika? Oh dear Lord! Condolences
Thank you so much, it’s a shock for us all but we’re trying to come to terms with it.
Uju
Please take heart. May the Good Lord give her peace. And give u guys the fortitude to bear this heavy loss
please accept my condolence
Thank you Ngozi, I appreciate your support.
Uju, don’t know you but knew when dad administered East Central State (was in high school then) with your mum beside him. Later did NYSC with your maternal uncle Uche & auntie Nwaeju in Jos.
I have been there when I lost my mum in 2011. You are strong to have words, four years on I have not found appropriate language to tell others the way it is. Yet I am much older than you. Hey, you must prevail!
Hi Chukwudi, thanks for sharing your memories and family link :-) Sorry for your loss too. Writing is just how I make sense of things although of course I’m not making much sense of what’s happened but I’m trying. Appreciate you stopping by.
Ndo, nwannem. As u said, we know they are getting older, but do not expect them to go so soon. I was short of words when I heard Dibueze had passed on. It was just like yesterday, when I was looking at the pictures of you all during the Odu ceremony and I thought to myself, aunty is still strong and elegant. How little do we know about death? But we must take comfort in knowing she is at peace in the Lord. Take heart dear cousin.
Thanks so much Uneme, I’m doing my best to stay strong and take comfort in those things – that it was a peaceful passing and I’m sure she’s very happy to have returned ‘home’ in that sense. But yes, it’s a shock especially as it seems like only yesterday we were celebrating the Odu title together. Such is life. Thanks again x
Oh Uju, I am so very sorry. I can not imagine the loss of a parent (yet). Your mother looks so warm and beautiful and I am very glad you have a big loving family around you but of course no-one can replace your Mum. I pray she is with your father and fully at peace. Mich x
Hi Michelle, thanks so much for your kind words and thoughtful comment. She is irreplaceable and it’s still very hard to imagine actually for me too, even though I know intellectually that she’s gone. My family rocks, so we are blessed. Thanks again x