I remember waiting at a bus stop with Ezra, heavily pregnant with my second, when the lady standing beside me asked if I knew what I was having.
‘Another boy,’ I replied, smiling.
‘Oh shame,’ she said.
I’d barely had a chance to register before she put her hand over her mouth.
‘I’m so sorry, I don’t know why I said that.’ She was flushing. ‘I’ve got two boys myself. I guess it’s just people always expect you to want one of each.’
Expectation is a strange and complicated emotion. I remember my certainty that I was carrying a boy in my first pregnancy. I felt it in my gut (must have been Ezra’s soccer kicks) and when the scan confirmed it, I was filled with joy. Although I would have been equally delighted with a girl. The most important thing was that my baby was healthy.
I was slightly more ambivalent the second time around. I wanted Ezra to have a little brother to rough and tumble with. But I also wanted a girl. I’m hardly a pink and flowers chick myself, but I did start fantasising about shopping in the pretty section. I imagined chick flicks and gossipy lunches when she was older – all that vaguely meaningful but essentially superficial stuff.
When the scan technician pointed us to the screen and asked if we could ‘guess’ what we were having, my husband and I both started laughing. There it was plain as day. Another boy. It was such a sweet, funny and thrilling moment. After an anxious early pregnancy following a recent miscarriage, we couldn’t have been happier. Our boy was healthy and, most importantly, alive.
So it was with mixed feelings that I watched a rerun of 8 Boys and Wanting a Girl, a Cutting Edge documentary following four women dealing with the psychological condition of ‘Gender Disappointment’.
As the title suggests, one couple had eight boys and had spent 21 years trying to have a girl. One had four boys and had successfully completed a sex selection treatment known as PGD (illegal in Britain) to produce two little princesses. Another mum was pregnant for the fifth time and we watch her sobbing when she discovers that baby number five is not the girl she had hoped for.
My hubby was disgusted. He couldn’t understand what kind of longing would drive these women to such an extreme.
Across internet forums, the programme has stirred up everything from shock to outrage and even name-calling. But a few voices have spoken out in support. Some admit they too shed tears over the boy or girl that never was.
It’s hard to let go of a dream. I’ve got relatives on both sides of the family with four boys or five girls each.
‘I’m sure you’ll go for a girl,’ one in-law, a mum of three boys, told me just after Jed was born. She’s now on pregnancy four.
My hubby, now a dad of three boys (two different mums) and one of five boys himself, jokes that he doesn’t have a girl in him.
But he has expressed a desire for a daughter and in my heart of hearts, I would like one too. Would I go round after round, chasing strange and expensive treatments in that pursuit? Hardly. But there’s nothing wrong with wishing.
Scratch the surface of almost any parent and you’ll uncover many shades of feeling on this issue. One mum at playgroup confessed she was over the moon when she found out she was having her second son. She was one of four sisters and had grown up in a house filled with bickering, competition and envy. ‘I didn’t want a girl,’ she said flatly. ‘I would have been crushed if it wasn’t a boy.’
It’s easy to dismiss Gender Disappointment as some petty affliction of Westerners with nothing better to worry about. But gender preference is nothing new.
After my father’s funeral, my sister overheard a stranger remarking how sad it was that my dad had left only one child behind.
‘But he has three children,’ said my uncle.
‘Yes,’ said the mourner, ‘but only one son.’
In many traditional societies, your wealth is still determined by how many boys you have. Here in the West, the talk of the day is about family balancing.
Call me trite, but I don’t know a single family that’s balanced. There’s no guarantee that having two or more of both sexes will make your life complete. It was interesting in the programme to hear the mum who got her twin girls talking about how her family is now perfectly together – while herself looking decidedly unhinged.
There are some heart-wrenching moments in 8 Boys and Wanting a Girl, such as when one mother’s final attempt at PGD fails. But what’s really heartbreaking is when you weigh up the effects of this obsession on the rest of the families, particularly the youngest. After all, one of the most difficult things for any child to bear is the weight of your parents’ disappointment.
If I had my way, I would send each of these mums on a life swap experiment with someone who couldn’t have kids, someone raising sick or disabled children, someone who had suffered loss. Because sometimes all any of us needs is a simple shift in perspective.
still you have reasons to be happy..
Hi Anne, thanks for visiting. I see you’re a new blogger? Welcome to the madness ;-)
Wow, this was really interesting. You have put to words many things I have pondered/wondered before. Is it OK to wish for a girl/boy? Does it matter at all if your baby does not come out the gender that you wished for, but you are absolutely in love with your baby anyway? the complexities of motherhood…
-CK
Hi CK, you’re so right, we are all such a mess of feelings and ideas and longings and nothing brings that out more than becoming a mum! Thanks for your feedback.
I was a happy with what ever sex we got–4 girls and 1 boy. We were trying for boys and right now my son does ask for another child(boy)..but its a toss up. I love having girls mixed with boy stuff. I wanted to end with another boy–instead I’m happy with the kids I do have and their personalities.
I think most women say that they are just happy with a healthy child…which they are…but I think deep down each of us secretly wishes for one or the other. I think it’s natural. Obviously once you find out what it is you love that child and can’t imagine them any other way (or so I think) I will admit I secretly want my first child to be a girl…I can’t imagine what the women you spoke of went through…I figure god has a plan for us all and trying to take control of that may give you grief!
Hi Julie…it’s a toss up? Are you going for one more? More power to you! It’s great that you were happy with what you had, even though you got a little boy in the end. There’s never any perfect picture, only what’s perfect for you. Thanks for swinging by.
Hi Jen, you’re so right. Even if you’re open for the first one, by kid two or three I think you’re sort of hoping for one or the other – but I do think most of us really are happy with a healthy child. Especially as so many of us are starting older than our parents’ generation, having healthy kids is foremost. And I do think you’re right in that we have to remember it’s not in our control and really to count our blessings. Thanks for your feedback!
Ezra,What a name! love it!
This was really great to read,makes a change from food,
I’ve added you to my bookmarks! i will be back:)
Happy SITS Saturday.
Hi Bigarade, interesting name too! Thanks for the comment and do come back. Will check you out soon.
My sis has three boys, and I had two before I was pregnant with our last one (a surprise). With both of my boys, I was pretty ambivilant about what I had. I thought it was kind of neat that we had all these boys running around. And with my third . . . well, I couldn’t decide what I felt. I really thought I didn’t care, but I was afraid to find out beforehand because I thought I might be disappointed, but I knew I wouldn’t be at the moment of birth. And I was right. When my baby was born, I forgot to look. I was so engrossed in the beautiful face I was seeing and the hair and all that, that the nurse had to ask me, “Did you see? Did you see?”
“See what? No! I didn’t see!”
“It’s a girl!!!” she cried.
We were all excited because now the whole family had the pleasure of loving a girl. But we would have loved another rough-and-tumble boy. And I think you’re right: Be blessed with what you have.
Happy SITS Saturday.
Well said. Families that I know with all boys rejoice in their daughter-in-laws and granddaughters. Thanks for visiting me today!
A shift in perspective. Amazing how simply you’ve put it. I’ve enjoyed hearing your voice.
Happy SITS Saturday Sharefest. Have a wonderful weekend!
Hi GG, very interesting to hear your story. I think it’s beautiful that you were so engrossed in your baby’s face that you didn’t even think about gender at first. Life is such a miracle, it’s easy to forget when you get caught up in having your perfect idea of a child. Thanks for sharing.
Hi Broot, you’re so right! I have a niece and so many little female relatives to enjoy. In fact, just found out my cousin’s having twin girls! Thanks for popping by.
Hi BC, thanks I appreciate your comment. I actually found I had loads to say on this topic as it’s really so emotive and not as cut and dried as some might think at first. I could probably write a book on it! But then I feel the same way about most of the mothering process! Thanks for the visit.
i was one of those moms. i knew i was having a girl and i really wanted one, our scan confirmed a girl and i was ecstatic, at 6 and a bit months my doc said oh it’s a boy and i was devestated.
but, needless to say i love my lil boy and i wouldn’t swop him for any lil girl. he’s happy and healthy and the light of my life.
Hi Cupcake Mommie, wow I can’t imagine how I would have felt if I’d been told two different things. I know sometimes they get it wrong right up until the birth – which must be pretty hard. But I know how you feel now – wouldn’t swap either of my boys for a girl any day. Glad that worked out for you, thanks for the feedback!
I was actually going to do a post on a similar subject. When I found out at the 20 week scan I was having a girl, I was a little disappointed. It’s difficult because you know having a happy, healthy baby, whatever the sex, should be enough. BUT I wanted a boy. Having a girl scared me, partly because of the particularly bad relationship I used to have with my mother, but also because for some reason, I wasn’t sure I’d know what to do.
Having found out whilst pregnant was good because I accepted I was having a girl and by the time she came along, I was so excited. She’s amazing and I absolutely adore her.
If and when I have another baby and it’s a girl, I’d be tempted to try for third, but not sure my husband would!
Very excited to be part of your carnival, Angels & Urchins, and to read the other posts. Thanks for sharing.
Hi 21st Century Mummy, it’s funny isn’t it how many ups and downs you can go through over what can seem like the strangest of things to someone who’s not pregnant. I think that’s why it’s useful to know what you’re having beforehand – so you can prepare – although I understand those who prefer the mystery. I’m tempted for number three too, although hubby would need persuading! Thanks for your feedback.
As a mum of four boys I so wanted to write something about that programme but you have written much better than I could have about what I essentially felt. I would have loved a girl, but not instead of my boys!, and I have a child who is very poorly so I find it particularly hard when people say ‘ooh you must have wanted a girl’ when actually it really, really isn’t important compared with having a healthy child.
Hi Ella, I really appreciate your feedback and especially with what you’re going through. There’s nothing more difficult than having a sick child so I really hope you find the help and support you need. Thanks so much for sharing.
Just found you via the carnival. Great post. I know that if my last pregnancy had produced boys I would of been still wanting another girl. Each to their own but for me I did want one of each. You are so right though about us all being thankful for what we have and being grateful our children are here and well, whatever their sex. Mich x
Hi Michelle Twin Mum, thanks so much for your feedback. You’re right, gratitude is really the only attitude. I’m finding lots of great reads through the carnival too. I need to take part more often!
I just knew in my heart we were having a boy the first pregnancy, and I was very excited when I was proven right. This time my husband and I were certain we were having a girl. When we learned, very unceremoniously (grumpy u/s tech), that this baby is a boy, I’ll admit we spent a day being very shocked and a little sad. This will be our last biological child (we’d like to adopt later) and I had always imagined having a daughter who looked like me. But, now we’re thrilled to be having a son.
I have been shocked at the # of people who have expressed disappointment to learn I’m having a second boy! It really, really bothers me. The fact I could have one baby was amazing; the 2nd was just short of a miracle. I don’t think some gender preference is ok as long as you don’t lose sight of the main thing, which is that whatever kind of child you get, it’s an amazing gift. I do not buy that a healthy baby is most important. I was born with a disability; my son has developmental delays, quite possibly a developmental disorder. This baby has a 50% chance of having my disability. To me, having a baby who is alive is the important thing…healthy or not, boy or girl, they are a gift. :-)
I will admit to a small pang of disappointment at my 18 week scan when the tech scanned our little AchBaby and found his bits… but for us, I think it’s the best thing… the boys are close enough in age to share a room, which means we don’t have to raze the guest room and the grands are happy about that… This is our last pregnancy, so I won’t get a baby girl, but I do have a wonderful daughter of my heart who we adopted when she was 3 1/2… and completing our family with another boy makes my heart happy too! Great blog piece…
Perfect Post! After the first son, ultra-sounds became par for the course – and thankfully, we were able to tell my mom, “It’s a boy” before delivery so she could get her, “It’s a shame” out before I delivered – and wouldn’t be emotionally hampered by her outburst. Yes, I would have loved a girl – No we never went for “the girl” but I had girls names picked out. I had girl books all ready. But I wouldnt’ trade one son for a girl – because they are what God gave me:)
I do think it is a shame that our culture has become so feminized that “it is a shame” to not have a girl! There is nothing more amazing than to be surrounded by my 5 sons (3 taller than me now)!
Thanks for tackling such a frustrating topic!
It’s nice to read a balanced view on this issue – I could not bring myself to watch that documentary!
My sister and her husband had two boys – they thought about trying for a girl, but decided the 2 boys were perfect for their family and for them. :) When I found out I was pregnant with my miracle baby, it didn’t matter to me if it was a boy or a girl – I was just happy she was healthy and alive. :)
I have 2 girls and I have no desire for a boy. My husband was OVER THE MOON when we found out we were having a second girl. He also has no desire for a boy ( I think he’s just to lazy to teach him how to pee standing up LOL)
But I can totally get the desire to have what is unattainable.
Visiting from SITS
This is a subject i have a lot of experience with. I personally think its quite sad. We all now that in the end you get whatever sex you get and you really dont have a choice. Well unless you have a lot of money.
Sometimes people really dont understand how lucky they are to have healthy children, boy or girl. One of my best friends who was pregnant with her 3rd child just lost her third girl at 29 weeks.
I am a mom of three boys under 6 and am 4 months pregnant with my fourth child. So many people say are you hoping for a girl this time or think Im having another child just to try one more time for a girl. This is simply not the case. I will admit I would love to have a little girl but thats not why I am pregnant again. I truly thought my third son was a girl. We decided to find out with him and I was disappointed for all of two seconds. It was mainly because I was so convinced the baby was a girl. But I was truly happy to have a healthy little boy.
I enjoy pregnancy. I have never wanted to be pregnant again just to have the opposite sex. I didnt feel like my family was finished. I am truly blessed to have three healthy children and I love my boys. Boy or girl I really dont care.
Happy SITS day by the way!!!
When I was pregnant w/ my second child, after having a boy, and told people it was a girl, so many of them said “Oh, now your family’s complete.” Wha? So if it had been a boy, it wouldn’t be complete? Also? We had a third. So two kids did not make our family complete. Argh!!
Happy SITS day – I really enjoyed this post!
I can understand the longing to have one child of each gender to experience the different joys that can bring. But I agree that what is most important is to be grateful for the gift of being able to have children. We have two little girls and would like to have a third, but would want a boy. We won’t get pregnant unless our mindset can be that we’re happy no matter what it turns out to be. How sad for the baby if its greeting into the world is one of parental disappointment!
what a great article! and yes, count your blessings is a good message – I have one boy and cannot have any more children so I will take my happy healthy kiddo! You have a great writing style – really enjoying your blog!
SITS!
Loved reading your blog. I lived in London for years but have only done it with kids as a visitor. Prams and the tube do not match!
This post has inspired me to write one of my own on the topic – so thank you.
Enjoy your day.
I grew up in a family of four yet I would consistently see the gender gap as my only brother was showered with love, attention and gifts that the girls did not. Was it that my parents grew up in the same fashion or just that boys really did seem more important than girls. Now that I have a boy and two girls, I am the one that balances the past with equality in the sexes. Everyone cooks and cleans and gets love. Great post!
What a great article! I have always had a hard time with seeing this. My sister has 5 little boys, because they wanted five kids, not because they were trying for a girl and people are always rude to her and tell her how sad it is that she never got her girl. She has five wonderful kids, I can never figure out why they are sad for her. Congrats on your sits day!
I was convinced my second child would be another boy, and when the u/s tech told us it was a girl I was in complete disbelief. I had a tempestuous relationship with my mother and was terrified of repeating that with a daughter, so I had hoped to have only boys! I wouldn’t change a thing now of course, but I was certainly disappointed when we initially found out her gender. Pregnancy hormones certainly didn’t help either!
Wow what a great post. I didn’t realize that some women were struggling so much with this issue. My first two children were girls and the third was a boy. People always say to me.. guess you kept trying for a boy huh. Uh no. That couldn’t be farthest from the truth. Sure we would have liked to have had a boy and I really thought baby #2 was going to be a boy and was a wee bit disappointed I had another girl but having a nother girls was soooo convenient for clothes, decor etc. We decided we were happy with our two only to be “surprised”.
I agree with you about them maybe needing a shift in perspective. Sometimes we forget how blessed we really are.
Happy SITS day!
I sooo agree with you. I am pregnant with my 2nd and yeah i’d like to have a girl for the same reasons you mentioned but frankly as long as its healthy I will be quite happy. But obsession is very real and very dangerous and yes if they can just swap with someone desperate for a child they will probably look at things differently
Wow. You wrote about this so wisely. I have one son and I would so love a little girl. Of course I will love whatever I get, but there is something delightful about the clothes and the pink and the happiness of a little girl : )
I was told for many years I’d never have children without at least medical intervention. They were WRONG. I have one girl and one boy, we tried for a third, but it just did not happen.
I always wonder if my daughter will wish she had a sister…..as many women I have spoken to without a sister have said, but I’m just thankful to have the two I have. They are BOTH miracles. And the loves of my life!
Thanks for your amazing post. Truly, an eye opener.
Wow pressures on both side on baby gender make me really sad. Macho societies tend to favour boys and being Greek, I have experience of that. Children are people and gender to me is irrelevant. My heart is full of love for my two boys. I wanted a second son (I felt I knew what I was doing-ridiculous as would have been happy with a daughter too) and after a traumatic birth with O, it was my second chance almost to relive it. More than any of that though, I simply wanted another baby. Those boys are my world. Thanks for sharing this post.
Your reply is so on point. They are such a miracle and a blessing it seems absurd to have issues over gender. We can’t deny the different shades of our feelings, however irrational though, so I do welcome the debate and the chance to air my own views!